What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 07:52
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So whats the point in blame.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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I was very sick at this time too.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So, i spoilt her more .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Ive learnt so much.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I have no regrets .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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She married twice! .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My family never makes their pension either.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Write something which is just the opposite of you.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When she asked me how she looked .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I think the readers, may guess!
She loved him until the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I write beautiful poetry .
She found it foreign!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Who then, do I blame.?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i do to all so called friends.?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot live in the past .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Comes on , in middle age.
I was scared of men, in general
(And it was in our own minds.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My life is so biszare .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I will be 64.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was seconnd youngest,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She wouldn,t have been !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
What did i know ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why did i forgive my father ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
All the time i was locked up.
I was 9 years of age.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I don,t even have a pension.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But it wasn’t much.
I said to her
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I could never make a relationship work though!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He knew the spot.
Especially a lifetime of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Would this be the day?
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It was going to be , some day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And i lived it daily.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was in good health!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I waited trembling.
We were not on the streets..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im still living with it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is soul school!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.